It is summer once again. I look back at the first posts of this blog and think- wow, not much has changed.
I am such am odd person. I want change! I want to be transformed. So, to say that not much has changed is good and bad. I mean its awesome because- I have a great life. But at the same time is it wrong to believe that something should have happened by now? I feel absolutly stir crazy! I don't have a job. Which is great, this means I have no money. So unless it's free- I am not going to be able to do it. Then the goals I had for last summer.. those are pretty much the same for this summer. Pretty much they have been the same goals I have had since high school.
It just feels like I am going in a big circle. I am back from the launching point, only I am not going anywhere. I know- that's a great perspective, right? Since last summer I have told myself it was God's will for me to go to Colorado this summer. I prayed, I worked, I got accepted, and... I am not going. I am a sucker for happy endings and God-things and I am just fustrated now. I feel mad at myself for not trying harder, for not raising the support- then I hear those words- "It must have not been God's plan for this summer." That is not very comforting to me- should it be?
So, whatever happens in life is God's will? That is what these seems to be suggesting. Oh that happened- God's will. Oh that didn't happen- God's will. I feel like I tangled up in all these Christian philosophy quotes and werstling with what they truely mean.
So I have been doing nothing- do you know how annoying "nothing" gets after a while? One day of nothing is fine. But weeks of nothing- not good. I have been trying to get a job, learning a few chords on the guitar, and been on the computer. I just feel dull to the world and unable to break out of the fog I have been under.
Ok, So that it sorta my online pity party. It was fun, right? I am sure you are glad you got the invite.
But now what?
I have been searching the internet for answers. For volunteer opportunities, jobs, internships, schools, inspiration- I have found nada. I think I am looking at the wrong places for such things.
After reading this over and over, I have decided that today is going to be the end of this chapter. Of these days of waiting, nothing, tv, computer, sleeping til 11- I just can't take it. Tomorrow I am going to start anew. I am leaving tomorrow- I don't know where. But I am going to stop thinking and just go for it! I am just going to get out of the imaginary cage I have placed myself in. Tomorrow, by the grace of God, I am breaking free.
